have you ever had that feeling of utter uselessness? i have...countless times..all i know to do..is just sit around and play games and watch wrestling...i was useful back then..i was..i ran around, i had stuff to do..i was willing to them..but now..
its like a black hole..its not like i don't want to do them...i do..but later..but when later came..i was no longer useful..i became useless and a burden..and not only that..i became nothing..
i don't like feeling like this..so i do my job when i'm given..albeit late..i still do..but somehow..no matter how hard i do it..its not useful..what i made, what i created..its nothing..its just shit..shit to be used as ammo..shit to be used as something to hurt..shit..to be thrown at me..the useless freeloader..
i hate this feeling..i hate it..because i never want to live without being useful..it sucks..it sucks worse when at times..i know i did shit..i saw its shit that i created..but still i programmed my head..i programmed it saying..no its not shit..its useful..but then when i give it to the person..it turns out to actually be shit..but still..i wouldn't give up on what i created..i still say its useful and not shit..when in fact, and i mean in FACT it is shit..
i hate that feeling too..that useless stubbornness..that has put me in trouble more times than i can count..the useless mouth that keeps fighting for whats wrong..
i hate that..i hate that now..i finally realised..im never useful..i was never useful..i was shit..shit in everyone's lives..even right now..i don't know what i should do..i don't know if i should do what my head says which is do nothing..or do what my heart says which is just try to fix that shit up..i hate that i don't know which shit is better..fixing or nothing..i tried nothing so many times, it turned to shit..i tried fixing many times..it still turned to shit...so which now? what now? why now...
later...
